CODY
Did you bring in the newspaper?
ZACK
What do you need the newspaper for?
CODY
Remember our current events homework?
ZACK
The teacher was serious about that?!
CODY
Yes. And we find current events in the newspaper. Airgo, we need, the newspaper.
ZACK
Wait, wait, wait. Did you just airgo?
CODY
(excited) Yes! It's my word of the day, and I got to use it before breakfast!
Cody opens the door and goes to step out, Zack follows him.
ZACK
My word of the day is pathetic. Guess when I'm going to use it?
CODY
When you get your essay back and see your grade?
ZACK
No. Now!
Zack pushes Cody out of the room.
CODY
Argh!
...and then locks the door.
CODY [CONT'D]
Zack, let me in! Let me in!
ZACK
Airgo...pathetic.
***
OPENING CREDITS
starring COLE SPROUSE
DYLAN SPROUSE
BRENDA SONG
ASHLEY TISDALE
with PHILL LEWIS
and KIM RHODES
"THE SUITE LIFE OF ZACK AND CODY"
***
Zack, Cody and their mother Carey, walk out of the elevator into the hotel lobby.
CAREY
You locked him in the hallway with no clothes!
ZACK
But two weeks of no TV is a cruel and unusual punishment!
CAREY
Don't push it. If you do it again I'll ground you so long they'll write country music songs about it.
As they turn to the concierge desk, Maddie, Mr. Moseby, Arwin and Esteban enter into the lobby wearing matching oufits. London is following, wearing a cheerleading outfit.
MADDIE
I can't believe Ilsa and the St. Mark Hotel beat us again!
MOSEBY
OK, so we didn't play our best.
ESTEBAN
Or sadly we did...and we stunk like a donkey in August.
They sit down on the lounges.
ARWIN
How does a donkey stink in say...October?
ESTEBAN
Better...not good, but better.
LONDON
You know, it's hard being a cheerleader for a team that stinks. But, I managed to have fun.
MADDIE
You started cheering for the other team two minutes into the game!
LONDON
That's because I can't stand losers. Yeah, you're lucky I'm even talking to you guys.
MADDIE
(sarcastically) Yeah, I feel lucky.
Ilsa enters the hotel and approaches the team holding a camcorder.
ILSA
Hello, losers! I came over to show you the highlights of your game. (Moseby smiles) But you don't have any because you played like a bunch of girly-girls!
MOSEBY
But just because you beat us at Flag Football does not make you the better hotel.
ILSA
Oh, face it, we could whip your fleegulls at any sport.
Zack runs over.
ZACK
How about bowling?
Arwin jumps up from his seat and starts screaming madly, and runs out of the room, bumping into Carey and Cody as he does so.
CAREY
That was odd.
ZACK
Well, it was Arwin.
The group mutter their aggreance.
ILSA
So, Moseby, do you have a bowling team?
MOSEBY
Give me just one second. Staff, huddle up!
At Moseby's indication, Esteban, Maddie, London, Zack, Cody, Carey and Moseby himself huddle into a group.
MOSEBY [CONT'D]
(quietly) OK, who's good at bowling?
ZACK
I am. My average is two-twenty-five.
MOSEBY
Good! Is that good?
MADDIE
It's fantastic.
CAREY
When we were on the road I was always looking for something to do with the boys and every town has a bowling alley.
Ilsa bumps her head into the group.
ILSA
Are we going to bowl or are we just going to do the chatter-chat?
MOSEBY
We're bowling!
Arwin has slowly been making his way over, calmed down from before...but at the mention of bowling, he starts screaming madly again and runs off.
***
Parkway Lanes Bowling Alley - night. Esteban is getting ready to bowl down the alley, but is facing the opposite direction. Moseby, London, Carey, Maddie and Cody are also present.
MOSEBY
Esteban, you're facing the wrong way.
ESTEBAN
This is the way we do it in my country.
MOSEBY
That is the dummest thing I've ever heard, why don't you just...
As Moseby is about to finish, Esteban backs up towards the lane and bowls the ball from between his legs. He turns and sees that he has made a seven and does a clap.
MOSEBY [CONT'D]
Welcome to the team!
He and Esteban high five and chest clash. Cuts to Cody over at a seat doing up his bowling shoes, as Carey walks over to him.
CAREY
Cody, have you seen Arwin?
CODY
I asked him if he wanted to come bowling.
CAREY
What did he say?
Cody impersonates Arwin's screams from earlier on in the lobby. Carey dismisses it, and Moseby indicates for Zack to bowl.
MOSEBY
Zack, you're up.
Zack grabs a ball from the selection belt and takes a deep breath as he goes to bowl - and as he swings and releases, he no sooner scores a strike! His friends applaud him.
MADDIE
Zack, you really are good.
ZACK
Tip of the iceberg, Baby!
MOSEBY
(signalling for Carey to come aside) Carey. I think we have a pretty decent team...except for
one glaring weakness.
They look over to the lane and see London in her cheerleading outfit holding a ball. She throws it up straight in the air and it cracks as it lands on the lane.
LONDON
(excited) Oh, look! I got a split!
MOSEBY
...And I've decided to name you captain.
CAREY
Really?
MOSEBY
Well, you are the mother of our star bowler, and you are pretty good yourself.
CAREY
...And you want me to tell London she's off the team.
MOSEBY
And you're quick as a whip! (Carey smiles) Good luck with that.
Moseby walks away as Carey approaches London.
CAREY
So, London, we've got our team set!
LONDON
(excited) Oh, goodie! Tell me about me.
CAREY
Ssshh! This a team secret!
The two of them peer around to make sure no one can hear.
CAREY [CONT'D]
(making a big deal of it) You get to be our...ALTERNATE!
LONDON
Is that good?
CAREY
Good? It's great! It means that if somebody else can't bowl...you get to be our secret weapon!
LONDON
Ohh...well, can I still wear my cheerleading outfit?
CAREY
You can wear whatever you want.
LONDON
(jumps and claps) Yay, me!
Carey indicates for London to be silent.
LONDON [CONT'D]
(does a fairy clap and whispers) Yay, me!
Carey plays along until London skips off, and she roles her eyes.
Meanwhile, Cody is getting ready to extend his arm and bowl down the lane, Zack at his side. He does some exaggerated strecthes, before Zack finally cuts him off:
ZACK
Would you just throw the ball!
Because of this, Cody trips and the ball goes flying down the gutter. Ilsa approaches them, as the rest of the team gather around.
ILSA
(laughs) Is the little dutch boy the best you can do?
MOSEBY
Oh, what are you doing here, spying on us?
ILSA
I don't need to spy on you, because you stink!
A large and somewhat scary woman approaches Ilsa's side.
GRETEL
We bowl now?
ILSA
Not yet, my pet.
ESTEBAN
(whispering to Moseby) In my country we have volcanoes smaller than her!
As Esteban turns back, he finds that Gretel is right at his side and he jumps in surprise.
ILSA
This is Gretel, our star bowler and (???) counter girl.
MOSEBY
The St. Mark doesn't have a (???) counter!
GRETEL
(pushing herself on the staff) We do now!
ILSA
Down Gretel, down. (Gretel backs away and Ilsa offers a schitzel) Good. Schnitzel? (Gretel grunts) Argh, use your voice.
GRETEL
Good!
Ilsa ruffles Gretel's hair and makes goo-goo sounds towards her.
ZACK
Oh, yeah? (grabs up bowling ball) Schnitizel this!
Zack extends his arm and scores a strike again. The team applaud him.
MOSEBY
Well. Who "schtinks" now?
ILSA
Oh, who cares. We curse you anyway! Come, Gretel.
Ilsa walks off, and so does Moseby, but Gretel closes in on Esteban.
GRETEL
I love the man in uniform.
She winks, walking off, leaving Esteban shaking.
***
The next morning, Cody comes out of the bathroom covered only by a towel again to meet Zack who is laid back on the couch.
CODY
I hate those retchid shows! Two hours in the shower and I can still feel the fungus between my toes!
ZACK
Speaking of fungus, can you hand me that soda? (indicates the can on the coffee table)
CODY
What does that have to do with fungus?
ZACK
Nothin'. I just want my dang soda!
CODY
Well why can't you get your dang soda yourself?
ZACK
Mr Moseby wants me to ice my bowling arm.
CODY
Boy, you are milkin' this star player thing.
ZACK
Speaking of milking things...(moves over to the table) I need you to do my current events homework.
Mr Moseby wants me to rest my...golden arm!
CODY
Well you better get the newspaper first, because you're doing your own stinking homework.
ZACK
Fine, fine, fine. But if I pull a finger muscle it's on your head.
CODY
Well it's better than where it usually is. Up your nose digging for gold!
ZACK
(sarcastically) That's funny. (opens door slightly) Hey, check it out! There's some loser out in the hall in a towel!
CODY
No way, who is it?
ZACK
You!
Zack pushes Cody out the door and locks it again.
CODY
Zack, let me in! Let me in!
Carey comes walking towards Cody and hands him up his towel which has fallen off.
CAREY
I can't believe you fell for it again!
CODY
He did it differently this time.
Carey starts to open the door with her keys.
CAREY
Well, he is never going to do it again!
CODY
Right!
Carey enters and goes to Zack who is on the couch again, reading a magazine. She is followed by Cody.
CAREY
What is it with you? (snatches his magazine) I tell you not to do something, you promise not to do it, and then you go right ahead and you do it anyway!
ZACK
Life. It's all learning experience.
CODY
And you've learned nothing. (to Carey) I'd go with no allowance.
Cody walks off into his bedroom as Carey puts her bag on the table.
CAREY
That, and…I'm grounding you for the month.
ZACK
What!
CAREY
Starting now, you are not to leave this hotel, except for school.
ZACK
But what about the bowling tournament tomorrow? You'll let me out of grounding for that, won't you?
CAREY
Grounding doesn't have exceptions except for school.
ZACK
But the team needs me!
CAREY
Well, you should have thought about that before you disobeyed me. (starts walking away)
ZACK
But, Mom! You're the captain of the team. How can you fire your star player?
CAREY
Because I'm your Mom first! You're off the team, that's final.
Carey walks off. Zack folds his arms and scowls.
***
In the hotel lobby, London runs over in her cheerleading outfit and joins Maddie and Esteban, who are seated opposite one another in their bowling uniforms.
LONDON
Everyone! I made up a cheer for our team. Ready? Two, four, six, eight, who do we appreciate? LONDON, LONDON! Yay, me!
MADDIE
(sarcastically) Very inspirational, London.
Moseby walks over as Carey, Cody and Zack emerge from the elevator.
MOSEBY
(chuckles) Here comes our star bowler now!
MADDIE
Zack-a-nator!
ESTEBAN
Zack-a-meister!
MOSEBY
Zack-a-Jack!
LONDON
Zack-a…person who's real good!
MOSEBY
Now we're finally going to beat St. Mark! I'm going to look Ilsa right in the mole and say…"loser, loser, loser…" (notices Zack is not in uniform) …why aren't you wearing your bowling shirt?
CAREY
Because he's not bowling.
CODY
He's been grounded. And when the team loses, it will be all your fault!
MOSEBY
Carey, Carey, Carey, Carey! I beg you to punish Zack on a daily basis, and, nothing! And now, the one time that I need him, you decide to get tough? Oh, you hate me, don't you!
Arwin approaches.
ARWIN
Reporting for jailor duty. Don't worry, Carey, I'll make sure Zack doesn't have any fun. Although we may play laser tag or something…(on Carey's stern look) OK, no fun!!
CAREY
Thank you, Arwin.
ARWIN
Anything for you, Carey.
ZACK
Mom, please! Punish me tomorrow.
MADDIE
Good idea.
LONDON
I like that.
ESTEBAN
Tomorrow for us!
CAREY
His punishment starts today! I'm sorry, guys, but Zack has to learn that there are rules and when you break them, there are consequences.
ZACK
Well who's going to take my place?
CAREY
Well, London is our alternate.
LONDON
(excited) You mean, I get to do the round thing and the white thing?! Yay me!!!
MADDIE
We're doomed.
London smiles.
***
At the bowling alley, the team are all congregated in a line dressed in their uniforms.
MOSEBY
Now, I know we have suffered a great blow with the loss of our most valuable player. (the team glares at Carey) But I believe, if we all pull together, we …
In the background, we hear Ilsa screeching at her team as they come marching down into the lane.
ILSA
Left! Left my husband with twenty-eight kids. Right! Right in the middle of the living room floor. Left! Left … team halt! (marching ceases)
MADDIE
I'm scared.
CODY
Hold me!
Cody jumps into Maddie's arm, and she holds him for a second before dropping him. Her eyes remain focused on Ilsa's team. Ilsa approaches Moseby, Carey and London.
ILSA
So, Moseby. You really think you can beat us with your pathetic team of children and girly-girls?
LONDON
Well we've got something that you haven't got. Team spirit! (breaks into song and dance) We've got spirit, yes we do, we've got spirit…(speaks shakily as Gretel approaches)…how 'bout you??
GRETEL
We've got spirit, yes we do! Shut your mouth or I'll crush you!!
London cowers behind Carey.
CAREY
Back off, Bertha!
ILSA
Oh, the spiky hair has the back bone. (Carey stands proud) …I hate the back bone!
Carey walks over to their lane.
CAREY
London, drop your pom poms, you're up first!
London puts down her cheerleading equipment and grabs up a bowling ball. She takes a deep breath as she extends her arm and throws the ball – though she ends up scoring a strike, the ball rolls to the St. Mark's lane.
LONDON
(jumping excitedly) Oh! Oh! I did it! I bowled a strike!
Ilsa comes over sarcastically jumping.
ILSA
Ohoho! Too bad it was in our lane! (resumes normal tone) Gretel, bowl.
At Ilsa's instruction, Gretel throws the ball violently down the lane and scores a strike. She shrieks in success, turning back to high five Ilsa. The Tipton's team stare on in horror.
MOSEBY
The ball never touched the ground.
The team watch on as Ilsa and Gretel do a bizarre dance of victory.
***
Underground at the Tipton Basement (Arwin's office), Zack is sat at the desk doing his homework while Arwin is sitting at the back sorting out some objects.
ARWIN
(as he drops items into bucket) Regular head. (pause) Flat head.
ZACK
…Bored out of my head.
ARWIN
(shrugs) Sorry. Your Mom said no fun.
ZACK
Well, what am I supposed to do now? I've finished my homework.
ARWIN
Oh, well…why don't you go over what you did and…review it?
Arwin sits in Zack's set and examines the workbook.
ZACK
Oh, come on! It's bad enough I had to do it once.
Zack peers into a box on a nearby desk and pulls out a trophy.
ZACK [CONT'D]
Hey, a bowling trophy! (Arwin looks up) Arwin. You bowl?
ARWIN
No, no, no. I found that in the trash, makes a great paperweight. (tugs for the trophy)
ZACK
B…But it says, first place, Arwin Hockhouser!
ARWIN
That's…my sister. It's her trophy, she won it. (takes the trophy)
ZACK
She has the same first name as you?
ARWIN
(touchingly) We were a poor family. We could only afford one name.
ZACK
But…
ARWIN
(gives in) Oh, OK, I confess! (walks to the back of the room, puts the trophy down and bangs his head on a cabinet) Stop badgering me, I can't take it any more! It's mean, it's mean, it's mean! Arghhh!
ZACK
You bowl?
ARWIN
(resumes normality) Yeah. (pause) I travelled with the circuit. Hung with the champions. They said I could've been a (???) of famer, but…
ZACK
But what?
ARWIN
But then there came…(steps forward, stares front on towards camera and pauses dramatically)…that night!
A flashback begins, at the bowling alley. A younger Arwin is standing in the alley juggling bowling balls, with a crowd of people watching.
ARWIN (V/O)
(narrating) This was the national finals, and first place meant money, product endorsement … and chicks. (we see some girls eyeing Arwin) …chicks her digged professional bowlers. (pause) …Those were the days. (younger Arwin puts down the balls he was juggling) …Anyway, mother had never seen me bowl before, but her arm wrestling match got postponed…(he grabs a ball and shifts his way in style to approach the lane) …so she came to support me in the finals. As only a mother can.
As Arwin gets ready to bowl, the sound of his mothers' voice from the crowd causes him to drop the ball in alarm.
ARWIN'S MOTHER (V/O)
Arwin! Come on, do it! (Arwin picks up the ball, the crowd all glare at Arwin's mother, Arwin indicates the relation) Try and make something of yourself. Don't be a loser like your father!
ARWIN (V/O)
Mom was giving me a pep talk from the sidelines.
ARWIN'S MOTHER (V/O)
You better win!
ARWIN (V/O)
I was under a lot of pressure.
Younger Arwin takes a breath as he gets ready to bowl.
ZACK (V/O)
What happened?
ARWIN
(narrates as it occurs in the flashback) My hand was so sweaty that I lost it on the back swing.
We hear Arwin's mother scream, as it cuts back to the present.
ARWIN
Arghh. I lost the match, the championship, and mother…she lost a foot.
ZACK
(Arwin sits in Zack's seat again) Oh, my gosh! Does she walk with a limp?
ARWIN
Oh, no. No, no, no. The ball actually landed on her head. She lost a foot. She was six feet, now she's five feet.
ZACK
That Math I can do!
ARWIN
Well, after the accident I hung up my bowling ball and shoes…and I haven't bowled since.
ZACK
Arwin. If you're a good bowler, you could take my place in the match against the St. Mark hotel! (Arwin laughs) …our team needs you!
ARWIN
(stands) No, no, no, I can't.
ZACK
Sure you can!
ARWIN
No, I can't! I swore I would never pick up a bowling ball again!
ZACK
Arwin. Facing your fears helps you grow as a person.
ARWIN
Zack. (pause) …I don't know if you've noticed, but argh…I'm a grown man, without a girlfriend, living in a basement. Facing my fears isn't exactly my…(gestures)…"fortay".
ZACK
Please. I really messed up and I let down the team. If we loose to the St. Mark, everyone is going to hate me!
Arwin considers for a moment, but then sighs and turns back to his work.
ARWIN
Bummer.
ZACK
I'm pretty sure, if we won…Mom would give you a kiss.
At this remark, Arwin chucks his work away instantly.
ARWIN
Let's bowl!
Arwin goes to the back shelf and tears off some curtaining, to reveal his bowling ball, shoes and other related items. Victorious music plays as an effective light shines upon the shelf and Arwin gives Zack a crazy stare.
***
At Parkway Lanes, Ilsa extends her arm as she releases the ball and it rolls down and hits down nine pins. She points down at it.
ILSA
You will fall!
Seconds later, the pin falls down and she has a strike. Ilsa turns back to her team and high fives them.
MOSEBY
Argh, we're getting destroyed!
LONDON
It's that Gretel!
MADDIE
There's 'gotta be some way to throw her off her game.
CAREY
Distract her!
ESTEBAN
Don't worry. For the good of the team…I will get her mind off bowling.
MADDIE
Esteban, no! You don't have to do this.
ESTEBAN
OK, thanks! (turns back, Moseby pushes him forward)
MOSEBY
Oh, yes, he does ! (embraces Esteban) Well done, my son.
They all wave at Esteban and smile, as he pivots towards Gretel, flashing his collar up. She is holding a bowling ball and staring down the alley, as he spins her face around.
ESTEBAN
(seductively) Those bowling shoes really highlight your … moustache.
Gretel laughs, before violently pushing him down onto the ground. Esteban lies still as Gretel once again bowls a strike.
GRETEL
Ohh, yeahhh!
ESTEBAN
(still on the ground, angry) …That didn't work. (Gretel grabs Esteban by his feet and starts dragging him away) Oh, nooo! She takes me to her cave!!
Ilsa approaches Moseby.
ILSA
So, Moseby. It would take a miracle for you to win now. Care to give up?
MOSEBY
Well, looks like you are…
Zack calls out from above. Arwin is standing beside him.
ZACK
Going down!
Zack and Arwin come down, Moseby embraces Zack.
MOSEBY
Oh, yes! I knew you would show up, I knew you wouldn't let some stupid punishment stop you from coming to the tournament!
Carey steps forward and clears her throat.
CAREY
Do I have to ground you too? I'm not going to lift Zack's punishment, whether we're losing or not!
ILSA
That's good parenting.
Carey smiles and mutters 'thank you' with a smile.
ZACK
I'm not here to bowl. Arwin is!
By now, Arwin is behind Carey. Carey turns to him.
CAREY
Arwin? You bowl?
ARWIN
I'm argh…sort of a champion.
Esteban steps up from the ground, covered with kisses.
ESTEBAN
Why didn't you tell us before!
Esteban walks away.
ILSA
Are we going to bowl or not!
CAREY
Ve have a last minute…WE have a last minute substitution.
ILSA
This is a not a deli! There are no substitutions. Except in the case of injury.
The team all stare at London, who is holding a bowling ball.
LONDON
(scared) OK…for the good of the team. (she drops the ball and it lands on Esteban's foot. He hops and screams in pain) Sorry. I guess my aim isn't that good.
GRETEL
(to Esteban) I kiss it, make it better?
ESTEBAN
I am OK.
Gretel picks him up and carts him away, much to Esteban's dislike.
ZACK
So that means…
ARWIN
Arwin's in!!
Arwin rips off his tracksuit to reveal a shiny bowling outfit underneath. He reaches into his red bag and grabs up a yellow bowling ball.
ARWIN [CONT'D]
(to the bowling ball) Hello, baby. Long time, no see!
He kicks the bag and his tracksuit out of the way and walks closer to the lane, Zack follows.
ZACK
OK, just imagine you're a kid again, doing the one thing you love to do.
ARWIN
Playing with my ant farm.
ZACK
No, the other one thing! (touches ball) Bowling!
ARWIN
Right. Bowling. (Zack walks away) I do love to bowl.
Arwin takes a deep breath and bowls the ball down the lane – and scores a strike! The team applaud him and he continues in numerous styles to score strikes. The team continue cheering him, and the St. Mark scowl. However, he soon gets a seven/ten strike and Ilsa comes over to Arwin.
ILSA
Ohahaha! The deadly seven/ten split! You can get the seven, or you can get the ten, but you cannot get them both!
Ilsa runs back over to her team with happiness, the Tipton team are gathered around Ariwn.
CAREY
There's no pressure Arwin, just the fact that you bowled makes you a winner.
LONDON
But if you miss this, then we're all big fat losers!
CAREY
(ushers London back) You, young lady, go and stand over there!
As they move back, Arwin grabs his ball, nods at the team and dramatically slowly extends his arm.
CAREY
What are you doing?
ARWIN
It's just for dramatic effect. If you go slower, the tension builds and the…I'm gonna go again.
Arwin steps back again and resumes normal extension of his arm as he bowls – and the two pins are struck down as the ball goes down the alley! The team shout and jump and scream, and Carey gives Arwin a kiss on the lips. He faints soon after, as Carey walks off, London and Maddie help him up. Moseby approaches Ilsa.
MOSEBY
Well. Who's the biggest loser now?
ILSA
You may have one this time, Moseby. But I will get you next time, and your staff too!
At Ilsa's indication, the St. Mark team file out of the bowling alley, shamefully. The Tipton's team are all celebrating with Arwin, Carey steps aside when she sees Zack by himself.
CAREY
Hey, smile, we won!
ZACK
I know…and I'm happy for you guys, it's just…
Zack looks over and sees the team lifting up Arwin.
CAREY
You wish it was you there were carrying off instead of Arwin?
ZACK
Well, I am easier to lift.
CAREY
Honey, I'm sorry you're disappointed. But you remember this feeling the next time you want to do something mean to your brother. Then next time, they'll be lifting you up!
The team are cheering on Arwin's name as they have finally managed to lift him up, but as Carey and Zack walk over Arwin drops down.
ZACK
…hopefully I'll have some stronger teammates!
They all reach down and help up Arwin, who stands looking confused.
ARWIN
(confused) Is mother OK?
***
END CREDITS
Well it's better than where it usually is. Up your nose digging for gold!
ZACK
(sarcastically) That's funny. (opens door slightly) Hey, check it out! There's some loser out in the hall in a towel!
CODY
No way, who is it?
ZACK
You!
Zack pushes Cody out the door and locks it again.
CODY
Zack, let me in! Let me in!
Carey comes walking towards Cody and hands him up his towel which has fallen off.
CAREY
I can't believe you fell for it again!
CODY
He did it differently this time.
Carey starts to open the door with her keys.
CAREY
Well, he is never going to do it again!
CODY
Right!
Carey enters and goes to Zack who is on the couch again, reading a magazine. She is followed by Cody.
CAREY
What is it with you? (snatches his magazine) I tell you not to do something, you promise not to do it, and then you go right ahead and you do it anyway!
ZACK
Life. It's all learning experience.
CODY
And you've learned nothing. (to Carey) I'd go with no allowance.
Cody walks off into his bedroom as Carey puts her bag on the table.
CAREY
That, and…I'm grounding you for the month.
ZACK
What!
CAREY
Starting now, you are not to leave this hotel, except for school.
ZACK
But what about the bowling tournament tomorrow? You'll let me out of grounding for that, won't you?
CAREY
Grounding doesn't have exceptions except for school.
ZACK
But the team needs me!
CAREY
Well, you should have thought about that before you disobeyed me. (starts walking away)
ZACK
But, Mom! You're the captain of the team. How can you fire your star player?
CAREY
Because I'm your Mom first! You're off the team, that's final.
Carey walks off. Zack folds his arms and scowls.
***
In the hotel lobby, London runs over in her cheerleading outfit and joins Maddie and Esteban, who are seated opposite one another in their bowling uniforms.
LONDON
Everyone! I made up a cheer for our team. Ready? Two, four, six, eight, who do we appreciate? LONDON, LONDON! Yay, me!
MADDIE
(sarcastically) Very inspirational, London.
Moseby walks over as Carey, Cody and Zack emerge from the elevator.
MOSEBY
(chuckles) Here comes our star bowler now!
MADDIE
Zack-a-nator!
ESTEBAN
Zack-a-meister!
MOSEBY
Zack-a-Jack!
LONDON
Zack-a…person who's real good!
MOSEBY
Now we're finally going to beat St. Mark! I'm going to look Ilsa right in the mole and say…"loser, loser, loser…" (notices Zack is not in uniform) …why aren't you wearing your bowling shirt?
CAREY
Because he's not bowling.
CODY
He's been grounded. And when the team loses, it will be all your fault!
MOSEBY
Carey, Carey, Carey, Carey! I beg you to punish Zack on a daily basis, and, nothing! And now, the one time that I need him, you decide to get tough? Oh, you hate me, don't you!
Arwin approaches.
ARWIN
Reporting for jailor duty. Don't worry, Carey, I'll make sure Zack doesn't have any fun. Although we may play laser tag or something…(on Carey's stern look) OK, no fun!!
CAREY
Thank you, Arwin.
ARWIN
Anything for you, Carey.
ZACK
Mom, please! Punish me tomorrow.
MADDIE
Good idea.
LONDON
I like that.
ESTEBAN
Tomorrow for us!
CAREY
His punishment starts today! I'm sorry, guys, but Zack has to learn that there are rules and when you break them, there are consequences.
ZACK
Well who's going to take my place?
CAREY
Well, London is our alternate.
LONDON
(excited) You mean, I get to do the round thing and the white thing?! Yay me!!!
MADDIE
We're doomed.
London smiles.
***
At the bowling alley, the team are all congregated in a line dressed in their uniforms.
MOSEBY
Now, I know we have suffered a great blow with the loss of our most valuable player. (the team glares at Carey) But I believe, if we all pull together, we …
In the background, we hear Ilsa screeching at her team as they come marching down into the lane.
ILSA
Left! Left my husband with twenty-eight kids. Right! Right in the middle of the living room floor. Left! Left … team halt! (marching ceases)
MADDIE
I'm scared.
CODY
Hold me!
Cody jumps into Maddie's arm, and she holds him for a second before dropping him. Her eyes remain focused on Ilsa's team. Ilsa approaches Moseby, Carey and London.
ILSA
So, Moseby. You really think you can beat us with your pathetic team of children and girly-girls?
LONDON
Well we've got something that you haven't got. Team spirit! (breaks into song and dance) We've got spirit, yes we do, we've got spirit…(speaks shakily as Gretel approaches)…how 'bout you??
GRETEL
We've got spirit, yes we do! Shut your mouth or I'll crush you!!
London cowers behind Carey.
CAREY
Back off, Bertha!
ILSA
Oh, the spiky hair has the back bone. (Carey stands proud) …I hate the back bone!
Carey walks over to their lane.
CAREY
London, drop your pom poms, you're up first!
London puts down her cheerleading equipment and grabs up a bowling ball. She takes a deep breath as she extends her arm and throws the ball – though she ends up scoring a strike, the ball rolls to the St. Mark's lane.
LONDON
(jumping excitedly) Oh! Oh! I did it! I bowled a strike!
Ilsa comes over sarcastically jumping.
ILSA
Ohoho! Too bad it was in our lane! (resumes normal tone) Gretel, bowl.
At Ilsa's instruction, Gretel throws the ball violently down the lane and scores a strike. She shrieks in success, turning back to high five Ilsa. The Tipton's team stare on in horror.
MOSEBY
The ball never touched the ground.
The team watch on as Ilsa and Gretel do a bizarre dance of victory.
***
Underground at the Tipton Basement (Arwin's office), Zack is sat at the desk doing his homework while Arwin is sitting at the back sorting out some objects.
ARWIN
(as he drops items into bucket) Regular head. (pause) Flat head.
ZACK
…Bored out of my head.
ARWIN
(shrugs) Sorry. Your Mom said no fun.
ZACK
Well, what am I supposed to do now? I've finished my homework.
ARWIN
Oh, well…why don't you go over what you did and…review it?
Arwin sits in Zack's set and examines the workbook.
ZACK
Oh, come on! It's bad enough I had to do it once.
Zack peers into a box on a nearby desk and pulls out a trophy.
ZACK [CONT'D]
Hey, a bowling trophy! (Arwin looks up) Arwin. You bowl?
ARWIN
No, no, no. I found that in the trash, makes a great paperweight. (tugs for the trophy)
ZACK
B…But it says, first place, Arwin Hockhouser!
ARWIN
That's…my sister. It's her trophy, she won it. (takes the trophy)
ZACK
She has the same first name as you?
ARWIN
(touchingly) We were a poor family. We could only afford one name.
ZACK
But…
ARWIN
(gives in) Oh, OK, I confess! (walks to the back of the room, puts the trophy down and bangs his head on a cabinet) Stop badgering me, I can't take it any more! It's mean, it's mean, it's mean! Arghhh!
ZACK
You bowl?
ARWIN
(resumes normality) Yeah. (pause) I travelled with the circuit. Hung with the champions. They said I could've been a (???) of famer, but…
ZACK
But what?
ARWIN
But then there came…(steps forward, stares front on towards camera and pauses dramatically)…that night!
A flashback begins, at the bowling alley. A younger Arwin is standing in the alley juggling bowling balls, with a crowd of people watching.
ARWIN (V/O)
(narrating) This was the national finals, and first place meant money, product endorsement … and chicks. (we see some girls eyeing Arwin) …chicks her digged professional bowlers. (pause) …Those were the days. (younger Arwin puts down the balls he was juggling) …Anyway, mother had never seen me bowl before, but her arm wrestling match got postponed…(he grabs a ball and shifts his way in style to approach the lane) …so she came to support me in the finals. As only a mother can.
As Arwin gets ready to bowl, the sound of his mothers' voice from the crowd causes him to drop the ball in alarm.
ARWIN'S MOTHER (V/O)
Arwin! Come on, do it! (Arwin picks up the ball, the crowd all glare at Arwin's mother, Arwin indicates the relation) Try and make something of yourself. Don't be a loser like your father!
ARWIN (V/O)
Mom was giving me a pep talk from the sidelines.
ARWIN'S MOTHER (V/O)
You better win!
ARWIN (V/O)
I was under a lot of pressure.
Younger Arwin takes a breath as he gets ready to bowl.
ZACK (V/O)
What happened?
ARWIN
(narrates as it occurs in the flashback) My hand was so sweaty that I lost it on the back swing.
We hear Arwin's mother scream, as it cuts back to the present.
ARWIN
Arghh. I lost the match, the championship, and mother…she lost a foot.
ZACK
(Arwin sits in Zack's seat again) Oh, my gosh! Does she walk with a limp?
ARWIN
Oh, no. No, no, no. The ball actually landed on her head. She lost a foot. She was six feet, now she's five feet.
ZACK
That Math I can do!
ARWIN
Well, after the accident I hung up my bowling ball and shoes…and I haven't bowled since.
ZACK
Arwin. If you're a good bowler, you could take my place in the match against the St. Mark hotel! (Arwin laughs) …our team needs you!
ARWIN
(stands) No, no, no, I can't.
ZACK
Sure you can!
ARWIN
No, I can't! I swore I would never pick up a bowling ball again!
ZACK
Arwin. Facing your fears helps you grow as a person.
ARWIN
Zack. (pause) …I don't know if you've noticed, but argh…I'm a grown man, without a girlfriend, living in a basement. Facing my fears isn't exactly my…(gestures)…"fortay".
ZACK
Please. I really messed up and I let down the team. If we loose to the St. Mark, everyone is going to hate me!
Arwin considers for a moment, but then sighs and turns back to his work.
ARWIN
Bummer.
ZACK
I'm pretty sure, if we won…Mom would give you a kiss.
At this remark, Arwin chucks his work away instantly.
ARWIN
Let's bowl!
Arwin goes to the back shelf and tears off some curtaining, to reveal his bowling ball, shoes and other related items. Victorious music plays as an effective light shines upon the shelf and Arwin gives Zack a crazy stare.
***
At Parkway Lanes, Ilsa extends her arm as she releases the ball and it rolls down and hits down nine pins. She points down at it.
ILSA
You will fall!
Seconds later, the pin falls down and she has a strike. Ilsa turns back to her team and high fives them.
MOSEBY
Argh, we're getting destroyed!
LONDON
It's that Gretel!
MADDIE
There's 'gotta be some way to throw her off her game.
CAREY
Distract her!
ESTEBAN
Don't worry. For the good of the team…I will get her mind off bowling.
MADDIE
Esteban, no! You don't have to do this.
ESTEBAN
OK, thanks! (turns back, Moseby pushes him forward)
MOSEBY
Oh, yes, he does ! (embraces Esteban) Well done, my son.
They all wave at Esteban and smile, as he pivots towards Gretel, flashing his collar up. She is holding a bowling ball and staring down the alley, as he spins her face around.
ESTEBAN
(seductively) Those bowling shoes really highlight your … moustache.
Gretel laughs, before violently pushing him down onto the ground. Esteban lies still as Gretel once again bowls a strike.
GRETEL
Ohh, yeahhh!
ESTEBAN
(still on the ground, angry) …That didn't work. (Gretel grabs Esteban by his feet and starts dragging him away) Oh, nooo! She takes me to her cave!!
Ilsa approaches Moseby.
ILSA
So, Moseby. It would take a miracle for you to win now. Care to give up?
MOSEBY
Well, looks like you are…
Zack calls out from above. Arwin is standing beside him.
ZACK
Going down!
Zack and Arwin come down, Moseby embraces Zack.
MOSEBY
Oh, yes! I knew you would show up, I knew you wouldn't let some stupid punishment stop you from coming to the tournament!
Carey steps forward and clears her throat.
CAREY
Do I have to ground you too? I'm not going to lift Zack's punishment, whether we're losing or not!
ILSA
That's good parenting.
Carey smiles and mutters 'thank you' with a smile.
ZACK
I'm not here to bowl. Arwin is!
By now, Arwin is behind Carey. Carey turns to him.
CAREY
Arwin? You bowl?
ARWIN
I'm argh…sort of a champion.
Esteban steps up from the ground, covered with kisses.
ESTEBAN
Why didn't you tell us before!
Esteban walks away.
ILSA
Are we going to bowl or not!
CAREY
Ve have a last minute…WE have a last minute substitution.
ILSA
This is a not a deli! There are no substitutions. Except in the case of injury.
The team all stare at London, who is holding a bowling ball.
LONDON
(scared) OK…for the good of the team. (she drops the ball and it lands on Esteban's foot. He hops and screams in pain) Sorry. I guess my aim isn't that good.
GRETEL
(to Esteban) I kiss it, make it better?
ESTEBAN
I am OK.
Gretel picks him up and carts him away, much to Esteban's dislike.
ZACK
So that means…
ARWIN
Arwin's in!!
Arwin rips off his tracksuit to reveal a shiny bowling outfit underneath. He reaches into his red bag and grabs up a yellow bowling ball.
ARWIN [CONT'D]
(to the bowling ball) Hello, baby. Long time, no see!
He kicks the bag and his tracksuit out of the way and walks closer to the lane, Zack follows.
ZACK
OK, just imagine you're a kid again, doing the one thing you love to do.
ARWIN
Playing with my ant farm.
ZACK
No, the other one thing! (touches ball) Bowling!
ARWIN
Right. Bowling. (Zack walks away) I do love to bowl.
Arwin takes a deep breath and bowls the ball down the lane – and scores a strike! The team applaud him and he continues in numerous styles to score strikes. The team continue cheering him, and the St. Mark scowl. However, he soon gets a seven/ten strike and Ilsa comes over to Arwin.
ILSA
Ohahaha! The deadly seven/ten split! You can get the seven, or you can get the ten, but you cannot get them both!
Ilsa runs back over to her team with happiness, the Tipton team are gathered around Ariwn.
CAREY
There's no pressure Arwin, just the fact that you bowled makes you a winner.
LONDON
But if you miss this, then we're all big fat losers!
CAREY
(ushers London back) You, young lady, go and stand over there!
As they move back, Arwin grabs his ball, nods at the team and dramatically slowly extends his arm.
CAREY
What are you doing?
ARWIN
It's just for dramatic effect. If you go slower, the tension builds and the…I'm gonna go again.
Arwin steps back again and resumes normal extension of his arm as he bowls – and the two pins are struck down as the ball goes down the alley! The team shout and jump and scream, and Carey gives Arwin a kiss on the lips. He faints soon after, as Carey walks off, London and Maddie help him up. Moseby approaches Ilsa.
MOSEBY
Well. Who's the biggest loser now?
ILSA
You may have one this time, Moseby. But I will get you next time, and your staff too!
At Ilsa's indication, the St. Mark team file out of the bowling alley, shamefully. The Tipton's team are all celebrating with Arwin, Carey steps aside when she sees Zack by himself.
CAREY
Hey, smile, we won!
ZACK
I know…and I'm happy for you guys, it's just…
Zack looks over and sees the team lifting up Arwin.
CAREY
You wish it was you there were carrying off instead of Arwin?
ZACK
Well, I am easier to lift.
CAREY
Honey, I'm sorry you're disappointed. But you remember this feeling the next time you want to do something mean to your brother. Then next time, they'll be lifting you up!
The team are cheering on Arwin's name as they have finally managed to lift him up, but as Carey and Zack walk over Arwin drops down.
ZACK
…hopefully I'll have some stronger teammates!
They all reach down and help up Arwin, who stands looking confused.
ARWIN
(confused) Is mother OK?
***
END CREDITS
